Little child I know how much that pain was hurting you
You were wishing they'd stop doing the things that they do
But No one ever listened to you; they ignored your every cry
You suffered greatly and you even felt that you would die.
Little child I know you are feeling that you don't matter at all
And you are Holding secrets way to heavy for a child so small
Don't you know there is still Someone who knows everything
Someday all your pain will become like flowers in the spring.
Little child please remember you are the innocent one
You can't be blamed for all those bad things that were done
You were too young to stop the abuser's hateful ways
We must try to let go of guilt from those painful days
Little child we will work together in this task of inner healing
And though you are frightened grace will come after the revealing
All the scars and pains that are holding us to those years
Will disappear with the help of T and after many tears.
Thank you for the poem and I just listened to the song. My thought as I listened to the song was where was Jesus when the times my dad, my mother and grandmother raped me? Where was Jesus when I was raped on the school bus over and over again and laughed at. Where was Jesus when I was abandoned in the storm,left to figure out a way to survive at the earliest age of four. Where was Jesus when she died inside me?...In my heart I know Jesus loves me but these are true questions I have. If I'm to heal I must be honest with Him, with myself and with others...Thank you so much for the poem and this song. It was hurtful for much needed for me today.
ReplyDeleteI chose the song as its a little child's attempt to talk to "Mr Jesus" ..I too ask the same questions.. where was God.. where was Jesus. I wondered if putting it there may trigger someone but mr. jesus is a name .. that the little girl writes to.. I am not pushing any faith by posting the song but pushing the innocence of a child who is trying to get answers .. Like her . I wrote my letters to Jesus and like you i never got answers. .I am healing and hoping that I can get beyond the questions .. I was 6 when my little girl began to be traumatized and am only now beginning to confront the feelings and fears for my little girl inside.. I think the answer to the questions where was Jesus . .is where He is now.. Somehow you and I survived severe beatings and traumas and hurts..some how we survived.. how ? how did we survive all that trauma .. the hurt, the hatred??
ReplyDeletePeace and love to you.. if you feel the song is bad I will remove it . i have been wondering if I should. but it's not really calling jesus god..
The song is not bad at all. I needed this song. Yes it was a trigger for me but it helped me be honest with how I feel about Jesus in whom I love very much. It was God's way of letting me know that He's not like my earthly daddy. I can come boldly to Him and be honest about every emotion I feel to what happened to me... Did I survive? You survived and I'm so very happy for you. Don't remove the song. Hurting isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it's apart of healing. Thank you
ReplyDeleteThe things done to me were not merely physical but I knew some very bad things: boiling baths.. and.......and..You did survive or I am talking to a ghost.. I survived ..even though I am stuck in my little girl world. I don't know what part of me survived but my T said am not lost for what they did to me and I believe her.. don't you ? Don't you believe you are a survivor?
ReplyDeleteNot yet. I believe a part of me died. I'm here because of God's grace and I know that. I truly believe that.I believe I have a new beginning but I didn't survive what was done to me. I don't know how else to explain it. There are some kids who are not here even in physical form and I'm very much aware of that. I try not to compare my experience to anyone else because then I really get lost. I know when I see my little girl self in a picture I do not know her. I have the intelligence to know it's me from resemblance but I'm not connected to her at all. When I take a picture even as a grown woman I don't recognize myself at first glance and it's embarrassing not to recognize your own self in a photo. Am I a survivor of what was done to me? No I'm not...Who I am is who I am. Some of us survive and some don't. Just because one remains on earth walking and talking doesn't mean they are living. Everyday I give my new life to Christ in hopes that I can go on to love and be loved. I grieve the lost and it hurts so deeply. I used to try and go back to get her but she's gone. She's gone. She didn't survive.
ReplyDeleteOh this saddens me. I am still stuck there with my little girl .it's the big girl.the adult i cannot find. I cannot seem to grow up and see things in adult ways.. Maybe the ability to grow up is dead in me but I would have to ask my T as I am not sure whats going on in me.. Maybe little me died back then too but i don't think she is dead as i see and think like a little girl . am going to have to talk to T.. do you have a T to help you? I really don't know ..i was nearly dead 3 times..but i didn't die. am i lost back there?
ReplyDeleteI don't have a T. It's ironic that you call your therapist T. Because the person I first let see my pain I call him T sometimes. But he's gone. I have no one to talk to but it's my choice. I don't trust anyone anymore. Those I did trust have left me. I'm not angry that they left. My situation is very complex and it takes much patience to hear and see it. I'm too a shame to go to therapy. My medical doctor heard of my rape for the first time at my last visit. I was in so much pain and I couldn't hold it in. I cried with her and she suggested for me to go to therapy but I'm too ashame even to go back to her next month...You are not lost from what I see. You're on the right track and I'm so very happy for you. It's so strange how our experiences can be so similar yet the healing process varies as our faces varies. We're led in different paths sometimes but your path of healing encourages me. Your poems, your writings and the songs you post, they help me. Thank you, my friend for sharing your healing process. Thank you for showing concern about my well being.
ReplyDeleteDo you know I only starting writing so much poetry once I started my therapy. Oh I was afraid too! I felt ashamed . I only shared with my T bits and pieces. She is so patient with me .. as one day I would tell her part . another day another part. My T I talk to through skype.
ReplyDeleteShe is a clinical psychologist and doctor in her field of psychology.
I was so lost. I had to be re-victimized to realize how much i needed to heal . I had planned to go it all by myself. keep it all in. I was to afraid to open up. Was too ashamed.
But somehow things happened .. I was looking up information about PTSD which is what I have. really complex PTSD is what i really have..along with other things.
I landed on my T's page and there began the journey. She is very good . I find it hard to trust anyone . I am so afraid that I don't even want to go out. am afraid my old boss will get me somehow.
I just begun to heal. .I am so far from the finish line but the thing is i have begun.
I will always answer you and am hoping and praying you will find the courage to do therapy. It's very hard to heal oneself . Its hard to see things clearly when one is in the middle of everything.
I am so grateful we met. I know its not by chance
I will keep in touch. I have been alone for so long. I started writing in a journal in the early nineties, way before I started having flashes. The flashes have only been these last few years. But I have been keeping a journal since the nineties. I love writing. I cry alone and have since I can remember. And you're right it's hard to heal oneself. I read much as I pray for guidance. I think we will always be growing. I believe there's never a finish line because God has so much good in us to share and give. I am too grateful we met. I came to the end today in one relationship and here God had you already in place. I know its not by chance.
ReplyDeleteOnly this year have I started to write my painful stuff. I was afraid of the abusers who threatened me if I should share anything and of the church that told me it was sinful to open up secrets that are of one's family. SO I held these for so long that there are deep deep scars inside and the little me inside..my little girl cries and cries. She is wanting to be heard and healed and set free from all the things she was told to shut up about. I know our God is good and loving and always has things and people right where they should be in our lives. .that God should care so much should tell you . you are alive . God wouldn't have to tend the dead.. as they would already be with God. . I am working on tonights poem. I try to write twice a day . don't now yet whats coming out will see soon. such a blessing you are to me new friend..
ReplyDeleteI grew up going to church regularly with my parents who raped me. It was a family church,my grandmothers who raped me went there as well. I too was taught that what happens in the home stays in the home. Even now as the flashes come I felt guilty when I first told it to T. Now as I tell it more I'm being freed from this bondage. I get very much afraid to sleep at night sometimes because of the flashes and nightmares but God reassures me that He's with me. He governs the timing and how much comes back to me. I'm so happy to be a blessing to you. It's been a sad day for me but God had something sweet waiting and it is You. I pray that I can be a faithful friend.
ReplyDeleteI have flashes all the time and my sleep is very little, its a grace that I can function on so little sleep. Am afraid of so many things right now . .trust is a very hard thing for me too. only now am beginning to trust my T .. she is one of a kind ..Sometime am afraid to sleep because when i do have bad dreams but when my eyes cannot keep open I have to give in and sleep . .oh the nightmares..THanks for your sweet friendship. Friends are forever when they are real.
ReplyDeleteAlso want to say am sorry you are having a sad day. I have been crying all day too but its all because my little girl inside is upset.. no matter how hard i tried tears kept falling..Better days are in the forecast.
ReplyDelete